To my Baby

Right now I am sitting in my chair, the same chair I have lived in for over 2 months now, with scraggly hair, no make up on...I'm pretty sure I haven't even brushed my teeth yet today (it's 2:30 pm), and in nothing but my over-sized pajama pants and nursing bra. You however are neatly dressed from head to toe and smelling a heck of a lot better than I do.

I was scared to start typing because the movement might wake you up as you lay on me fast asleep...finally. There is a nice collection of sweat in the crook of my neck where your head is resting, it's funny how that always seems to happen. And you have been drooling so much it has started to drip down my shoulder and into my armpit. When I make too large of a movement your sharp little fingernails claw at my arm as if you're scared I'd let you fall, silly baby, I'd never do that.

You're still making rhythmic little gasps, as you are still recovering from your latest screaming match. They don't seem to happen often, but when they do I feel like part of me is breaking. I wish I could understand what was upsetting you so much...I think you were just overtired, and that makes me feel even worse. I'm sorry I haven't been able to get you on a good schedule.

Your hand that is on the arm you have wrapped around my neck just started doing that little twitchy-knock thing it does every now and then...it's so cute!

I wish you could see me slumped down in the chair, so low that you can lay on me without sliding, but with my neck at almost a 90 degree angle so I can type this out.

Last night as I laid in bed snuggled up to your daddy, I kept my eyes closed listening to every sound you made in your sleep...like I do every night. I think that Heavenly Father blessed me with a noisy sleeper because he knows I'd be constantly worried about your comfort and safety. As long as I can hear you breathing, I know you are alright. You make the funniest noises in your sleep. Sometimes you make this squeaking sound that sounds like a rusty machine. And you snore, my goodness do you snore! Sometimes it sounds like an old man is snoring, other times you have the sweetest little "huh" sound at the end of each snore...I need to record all these sounds, I don't want to forget a single one. You also laugh in your sleep, so hard that your whole body shakes, and I feel like mine could burst with love and fascination over you. The worst is when you have a night mare...you make the most heart breaking whimpers and gasps accompanied by the saddest face anyone has ever made. I wish I could give you nothing but the sweetest of dreams, because that's all you deserve. Listening to you last night I was hit with the worst realization that someday those noises will go away, or at least change...just as every thing about you will as you grow up.

As excited as I am to be able to hear you call me mama and tell me you love me back, or how much fun we will have when you can run around the park with me and play catch with your daddy...I am terrified to lose my cuddly, soft, little baby. At least once a day while you sleep on my chest, or smile at me with that huge open mouthed, toothless grin a surge of tears hits me...and that's exactly what happened last night as I lay in bed trying to memorize each sound.

There are so many things that I love about you, and I know that as you grow and change I will just find more new things to love...but I will also lose some of the sweet characteristics that I love in my tiny Henry boy.

I love that you are so young, so tiny, and yet so curious. Your perfect, blue eyes seem to always be wide with wonder as you take in the world around you.

I love the way you sleep with your arms up over your head, just like I do.

I love the silly faces you make.

I love that double chin, especially when you are bundled up in jackets and then strapped into your car seat.

I love your perfect little chin, and the way it sticks out between your sweet round cheeks.

I love the way you rest your hands on your chest when we drive anywhere, with your fingers all stiff and flared out.

I love that you know your mommy and daddy and love us almost as much as we love you.

I love the way you nuzzle your face into the crook of our neck when one of us holds you.

I love it when you are hungry, and you silde your open mouth back and forth on my collar bone as I get situated to feed you.

I love the way you smile and look up at me sideways when I am nursing you.

And the way your bottom arm wraps around me and you stroke my side as you drink.

I love that you love feeling the skin of your mommy and daddy, and the way you reach up for my neck or face to rest your hand on while I hold you.

I love how strong you are. You love to hold my finger, and your little grip is so tight!

I love that you are so wiggly, even though you don't really know how to control your limbs right now.

I love that when we unswaddle you, your arms shoot straight above your head the second they are free.

I love the way you stretch. That silly, scrunched up, crooked face that you make as you pull your head back...and your cute little bum sticks out as you arch your back.

I love your bum.

I love the way you smell! How do you always smell so wonderful?

Is it weird that I also love the smell of your breath?

I love your lips. That little callus on the top one from sucking so hard, and the way the bottom one folds in at the middle.

I love your long skinny feet and the way you flex your toes.

I love that you still fold your legs in like a frog. The first time we put you in footie pajamas you woke up in the morning with your legs folded up onto your belly and the leg parts of the jammies were just flaps of fabric.

I love the way your eyes roll to the back of your head the second you get a taste of milk.

I love the way you wrap your fingers in my hair, even if it is up, you somehow manage to find a couple stragglers and hold on for dear life.

I love it when you lay on mine or your daddy's chest and you bury your face straight down into us.

I love your taste in music. The fact that your favorite singers seem to be Bing Crosby, Enya, and Frank Sinatra and your favorite songs are Too-Ra-Loo-Ra, You Are my Sunshine, and Home on the Range is the sweetest thing.

I love your little leg lift. Sometimes I look over at your bassinet and see your little feet sticking straigt up in the air.

Man oh man do I love each of your rolls and dimples. My skinny newborn became such a chunky infant and I love it all!

I love your hair. I love that it is practically bald on top, and so thick at the back of your head where it meets your neck, and that the little hairs on the side of your head stick straight out.

I love that after you poop you get the goofiest smile.

I love that you can't seem to keep your socks on. You kick one off at a time...very deliberately.

I love the way you react when we first place you in the bath. You stiffen up and throw your arms straight out to the side and your eyes get all huge!

I love the noise you make right after you sneeze. It's the sweetest little sigh. I remember the first time we heard it. We were in the hospital and you sneezed twice and then let out that cute sigh, and your Dad and I both melted.

I love your snorts! Especially right when you latch on to start eating.

You are such a perfect, goofy, adorable, sweet little boy. It's amazing how such a tiny guy ca already have such a big personality! I love everything about you and I always will. I hope you can feel how much your mommy and daddy love you. You are everything.